he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
vagina is talking i cant
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
