my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
