how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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