he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
