Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
