I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i was born a porn star she said
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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