tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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