mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
