Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You were trust falling into bushes
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
