I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Sorry my hands just texted you
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
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