Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
