i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
