im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
My legs feel like baby dolphins
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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