He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
