apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
So much rum. So many feels.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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