"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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