here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
