I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
