alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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