I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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