i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
