Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
