dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
