After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Who did Billy Mays play for?
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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