I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
