just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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