she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
