i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
