Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
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What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
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I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
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