WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
