I'm sorry my penis didn't work
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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