She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
