she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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