she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
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I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
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I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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