I haven't been this sober since birth.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
