Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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