I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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