Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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