Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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