I didn't shave. On purpose
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
