Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
