I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
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