my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
