Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
