Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
