I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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