I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
