I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
