On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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