I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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