Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
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We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
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There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.