You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
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I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
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We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.