i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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