she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
