Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
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Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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