I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
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she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
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Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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