a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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