can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
